Loneliness.
[ No Comments ] Posted on 03.12.11 under Uncategorized
Having never moved away for college, probably because I was a big wuss, I never had to deal with the concept of establishing myself in a new place and all that comes along with it - making new friends, learning the city, getting lost. I did have to do that when I was 14, but I prefer to not really compare that time of my life to now because there isn’t anything that holds up to being an awkward pubescent girl moving to a new place.
Loneliness is a different beast altogether when you’re neither here (Germany) nor there (Reno) due to a definite date of departure. There are people around for me to talk to, but there is definitely a connection lacking with my guest family. This is why I am lonely. I can’t tell the children “I am so lonely” because they’re children. They will not understand. If I tell the parents about my feelings of isolation, I expect I will get commentary that is typical of the kind of person I now know the mother is. I expect I will be told that this is all my fault and I should get out of the house more.
I’m slowly but surely getting out of the house and meeting people, through both a Kung Fu class and an aerobics class, but I’m still not sure how to form a lasting social connection. Is that even something I should reasonably expect? Who wants to commit time to someone who is going to cut and run in 5 months anyway? Thankfully there’s one person who is willing to do that for me 
I’ve been reflecting on this because I reconnected with a friend from high school who himself is doing fabulous sounding things and he said he would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little bit jealous of the fact that I was living in Germany. I feel jealous that he’s going to school in San Francisco. Like I said many months ago, life somewhere new is just that - new. It’s exciting. Until it’s not. And the charm wears off. And you realize that since it is 8 PM on a Tuesday night, the drugstore is closed. H&M is closed. The movie theater is still open, though. So are two grocery stores. So if you need to buy something, hopefully one of the grocery stores will have it. If you’re really wanting to spend your Sunday “shopping” like you used to do in America, you better get yourself to the nearest large train station, like Cologne. Window shop to your heart’s content. Or you could always go to a cafe and drink some coffee and eat a croissant and people watch. Or see a movie.
That’s the thing though, you can’t live like you used to do. You sink or swim. Sometimes you tread water until you sink. I’m still not sure where I fit in but with the way I’m feeling, I suspect I cannot tread water anymore. So I’m going to get off my ass and go eat some curry for dinner. Alone, but not lonely because I know that while there may not be many people in Germany around for me to talk to, there are plenty of them in America and they are waiting.
Alaaf!
[ No Comments ] Posted on 03.07.11 under Uncategorized
It’s been awhile but I couldn’t find anything really positive to say so I didn’t say it at all. But now it’s almost Spring and I have 5 months left as of this day. So. . . now on to the cultural fun. Karneval. Like Mardi Gras, but has less to do with women flashing their breasts for beads.
It seems like Karneval is one of those things you either understand or you don’t. Too be honest, I don’t understand it but who am I to turn down the opportunity to take part in a cultural event?
Weiberfastnacht I had to work. This was a Thursday so it made sense, but it was still frustrating for me. I had asked if I could go early but I had to finish all my chores first. Oh, this life! I finished but Sophie and company were winding down their party in Cologne. I met up with Sophie and company when they came back to Bonn and I ended up just watching a movie with Sophie.
On Friday I went out and saw True Grit, since it was the rare occasion of the movie being the O.V. It was awesome.
On Saturday, after waffling about my Karneval costume, I decided to be Carmen Sandiego but as evidenced by my experience at the first street Karneval nobody really got that. It’s totally an American thing. Icelebrated in Duisdorf with my fitness instructor. I had no idea what to expect, but basically it’s a parade with floats that toss candy and booze and sometimes other things. People yell Kamelle and Alaaf! and a good time is had. It was quite fun but also rather cold. Traditionally Berliners (jelly donuts) are eaten. One has mustard in it, the others have jam. It’s just a prank. There are also other fried things. I had a Berliner at Irene’s. No mustard, thank god.
On Sunday I met up with Sophie and went to Remagen. I wasn’t going to dress up but was lent Ladybug wings and antenna. Thankfully I was wearing my red trench coat, so it worked out. I had fun! Sophie and I were given wine in a glass. Literally wine in a plastic glass. I think she still has it along with all of the other goodies I caught.
Today is the big parade day in Cologne and Bonn but I am so exhausted that I’m spending my day off at home. It’s a rare three day weekend for me. Tomorrow work starts again, and it won’t be very much fun I’m sure. I’ll be prepping for kid’s Karneval party. 12 children, 1 au pair. Heh.
Thankfully I’ll get a break on Thursday. I took Thursday off because on Wednesday I am going to see Robyn with Sophie and expect to be out late and up to all sorts of shenanigans. Should be quite fun!
I feel the break and I got to live it out
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 10.18.10 under Uncategorized
As of today I have been in Germany for exactly 5 months. I’ve seen some things, I’ve learned some lessons about myself, and I’ve learned some lessons about accepting personal responsibility for the crap when it hits the fan and splatters everywhere. Unfortunate things happen.
I was at the playground with the kids when The Littlest GooseMonkey (my affectionate nickname for one of the kids) fell head first off the slide. I almost quit my job that day. I was at the kid’s hospital and I quit in my mind. I sent a text message to my parents telling them not to book the flight to come visit me. I came home and I cooked dinner. And I came up to my room and I cried. I cried because of the shock and I cried because I felt like I was so not qualified to take care of kids.
I was told by both parents that this happens. I was told that “It’s just shit. That’s what it is.” GooseMonkey ended up being 100% ok, mostly pissed that she had to get poked and prodded at the hospital. Since that week I’ve been in a huge funk. If I were a licensed mental health care professional, I would probably call it anxiety or maybe depression. The day after it happened, I had the worst upset stomach. Over one week later, my stomach is still acting up.
So when I keep being reminded of the fact that I haven’t written anything recently, I hope you understand that it is not all sunshine and rainbows here in Germany. I haven’t written in my physical journal, I haven’t written any messages of love on the postcards I’ve purchased, and I haven’t written here. I’ve skyped with a few people, most notably my mother. In a stunningly accurate observation, she said she didn’t think I would make it. I might not. But I’m feeling better. I feel like I can make it. My friend Wendy gave me the best advice. She said that regardless of it I would make it or not, she would support my choice to stay or to go. She didn’t point out that I was being fed and housed for taking care of children. It meant a lot to me.
Before I started working I wondered when life in Bonn would become just like life in Reno. It will never be that, but I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. In some ways it is exactly like life in Reno. I am not extroverted. I love doing things with the people I know and love, but meeting people in order to know and love them is not my forte. I’ve met one wonderful girl named Sophie. She reminds me of my friend Michaela. I hope that maybe next year, Sophie and I can bake a cake. It won’t be an American-flag cake, because that beauty can never duplicated and neither can the fun that went along with making it, but it will be something.
I don’t know that I’ll ever enjoy going out and drinking or dancing and partying. A lot of people seem to be of the opinion that if I want to be happy, I better damn well learn how to leave the house. I do like leaving the house, but not coming off a 12 hour day. The last thing I want to do is go upstairs and slap on some make-up and clean the kid gunk off of me and leave. I need to be in bed by 10:00 in order to be up and functioning by 7 AM. That’s just me. I like going out on the weekends. I like seeing movies and eating popcorn, alone or with company. But there are also things I thought I liked to do that I haven’t done in 5 months. I liked curling up with a copy of a well-loved and well-read book and reading it, again! I liked playing video games. It is amazing how much time there is in the day with no video games, or television, or well-loved and well-read books to distract me.
That’s why I thought it would be perfect to start studying for the GRE. But then I asked myself if graduate school was what I *really* wanted, or just a way to escape not having anything to do and no job prospects on the horizon. I wasn’t able to answer that. I know a few people in graduate school now. Some are doing what they want to do. I feel like others are just there because it is a socially acceptable placeholder.
Maybe this Au Pair year is my socially acceptable placeholder. I’ve learned so much already about opening my heart up to children and closing my mind to personal criticisms. If someone doesn’t like the way I cook, it is not me. It is how I did an aspect of my job and my boss feels like it could be improved when I am told “Can we just come to an agreement? Leave ____ out of this.” There you go.
Freude. Joy. Joie. Bonn
[ No Comments ] Posted on 09.11.10 under Uncategorized
The last time I skyped with my mom, she reminded me that I hadn’t updated my blog since August. Well, here is an update:
Bonn is fantastic. I never thought Bonn could be so great, but it really is. The reasons why I like it really have to do with the multi-cultural aspects to the city. For example, there are a plethora of middle eastern grocery stores within walking distance, maybe 15 minutes walk time. The asian groceries are a little further away, but still close. My language class consists of the following awesome people:
1 Mexican Man
2 South Korean Women
1 Woman from New Zealand
1 woman from France
1 woman from Russia
1 Woman from Spain
2 Indian Women
Everyone brings something different to class in terms of vocabulary and cultural backgrounds. There are no exams, no grades and that I also happen to like. It really takes the pressure off of learning. Everyone is at a slightly different level with their German skills. Most of the people in my class are between 33 and 50. It’s a fantastic mix, and many of the people in my class have spouses that speak no to very little German, because they work at corporations that require English to be spoken. It makes me think that I could probably get a job here if I felt like staying.
I like riding my bike along the Rhine River. I ride either to Bonn, or in the direction of Koblenz. 25-30 minutes gets me about 5 miles. I try to ride 30-50 miles total a week. This week I’ll be at about 30. There has been very few days that pass without me discovering some sort of new muscle ache. I really like riding a bike. I need to buy some bike gear like gloves and such for the winter. I don’t want to stop biking for exercise because it’s a little wet outside. I also don’t want to not ride my bike somewhere because it is a little wet outside.
With kids no day is exactly the same in terms of what I can expect. I like that. I have to stay on the ball. Sure, the weekly routine is pretty much the same, but that’s about it.
Bonn is also a university town. I haven’t met anyone my age yet, but there’s the possibility that I will. I just need to figure out how.
I don’t really like going out and partying, but there are so many cultural events happening that going out and having fun doesn’t need to relate to the consumption of alcohol.
My vocabulary is increasing rapidly. I aim for fluency by the end of my time here.
Yes, it is hard work. Yes, I am exhausted. Yes, I am stressed out unbelievably sometimes. I am still learning so I’m trying not to be so hard on myself.
And to end this post, little A. has difficulty pronouncing the word frog. I have the alarm tone on my phone set to “bullfrogs” and I tell A. “When we hear the frogs, that means it’s time to ______.” The first time she heard the alarm, she said “Oh Frog!” but it came out sounding like “Oh fuck!” I laughed so hard, and she got the idea that the word frog was really funny so she just started saying it randomly. We are working on pronunciation. She loves me, which makes the hours of 7:30 AM to 12:00 really enjoyable. We go to a music group together. We do a lot of things together, like grocery shopping and going to the market.
On the other hand, E is a hellion. When she’s mad at me, she’ll bite me, kick me, pinch me, hit me, etc. This happened when I took away her ball because she was bouncing it in the house and hey, the ball is an outside toy. I warned her once, and then took the ball away. She attacked me. On a good day, she generally ignores me. I try to engage with her, but it seems like she just wants me to go away. There have been successful interactions, but mostly when she gets something from it. Like the egg experiment (egg in vinegar), lanyard braiding in a square pattern, etc. I am at a loss with her. Practicing violin with her is trying, but needs to be done everyday.
I’ve been experimenting in the kitchen. Some things are good, some are bad. If anyone has any recipes that they really love, please share them. I have two cookbooks that only get me so far. Basically the meal looks something like this: Fish once a week, meat once a weak, vegetables the rest of the week. I wish it was more like meat twice a week, but this makes me get creative with other proteins.
Anyway I need to go out and get stuff done today. Bahncard50, a pair of boots if possible, etc.
When the romanticism wears off.
[ No Comments ] Posted on 08.05.10 under Uncategorized
I have been thinking about what will happen when living in Germany becomes as standardized as living in Reno was. At some point, the novelty wears off. Delight is no longer found in the local bakery within biking distance, or the local markets where the people who grew the food sell it to you and invite you to try it yourself in order to find out the difference between the two types of cherries yourself.
I just hope that when the novelty wears off, I’m able to see things positively. Routine is bound to happen with almost any job. Routines happen in the secondary ed system. Routine happens if you’re working with kids.
Sometimes these routines can be good - there is comfort in the familiar. I was in college for a grand total of 6 years. . . it took me 4 years to really hit my stride. Once I hit it, I didn’t want to finish. So I thought about graduate school.
Unfortunately, and assuming I even get in, once that is over I will be right back where I started. Out of school, with another worthless degree. So I have begun to examine my life goals. I am incredibly fortunate to have a year away from the routine of life in America to prioritize these goals.
I could end up with TESOL certification or even a master’s degree in TESOL - I’m interested in language acquisition after observing a little girl who has grown up with two languages but hasn’t quite put them together yet.
I could end up with a master’s degree in German with bonus secondary ed license if I get into the one German program I am most definitely for sure going to apply to if my GPA meets the requirement. I’m not quite sure how to factor it, honestly. I took a bunch of English language classes that dealt with subjects slightly pertaining to German language or culture. . .
Or I could end up with a job as a paper pusher somewhere really exciting. I don’t want to say where since I don’t want to jinx it.
Munich for the win!
[ No Comments ] Posted on 07.29.10 under Uncategorized
I’m leaving for Munich in about an hour and a half, but leaving for the train station in approx. 40 minutes. I am not bringing my laptop, so expect silence until Monday or Tuesday. I’ll be back on Sunday night but will probably be tired. The train ride is gonna take awhile.
I’m scrambling to prep hardboiled eggs before the trip. Add this to my list of things I should have done yesterday. Also my jeans are not quite dry so I will packing slightly damp jeans. Should have put them in the washing machine earlier yesterday but didn’t quite have the time.
I think I did rather well on the exam today. They seem to have gotten easier. I think they’ve gotten easier because I’ve certainly not gotten any smarter. I have lots and lots of homework to catch up on this weekend. Thankfully I’ll have about 12 hours total travel time between here and Munich. woohoo!
Have a great weekend everyone!
Milk.
[ No Comments ] Posted on 07.28.10 under Uncategorized
I got my first ever B on an exam. This is great because it means the lack of homework this semester may not be hurting me so badly. Don’t get my wrong - we have homework, but we are not writing two essays a week like last summer term. I got As on those essays 
Either way I am not going to stress about a grade.
I finally met mysterious 4th roommate Irina about two weeks ago. She is engaged to a guy who lives two floors up from us so she’s been renting this room for months now without actually living in it because she goes to school in Hamburg. Her wedding is this weekend and her mom and grandma are staying in her room. I don’t know how I feel about this but it’s not like I had anything to say.
Tomorrow I head out to Munich. I’m not sure what awaits me there except hopefully cool weather, LOTS of walking, good food (I don’t really care about beer), and fun times. I am confident the money I have set aside will be enough, plus I am planning on bringing some apples with me and stuff. I might go to the market today to get some good snacky food for the trip but I was also thinking it could be cool to hold grocery shopping still apart from milk. I am however out of eggs, almost out of pasta, almost out of bread. Have plenty of butter and jam and a 500g bag of cornflakes. Hm. Maybe I will go to the store after class after all. Lunch today and tomorrow is taken care of in the Mensa. . . I just need to worry about breakfast tomorrow. Cornflakes. Yup, need milk.
Good ol’ ‘murcan Music
[ No Comments ] Posted on 07.24.10 under Uncategorized
I love this song so much right now that I can’t not post it, and it has nothing to do with being in Germany except the fact that I wish I knew how to get this song here. Curse you Amazon.com for not selling these mp3s to me. Amazon.de sells mp3s but I’m not about to pay 99 euro cent on top of whatever fees BoA wants to slap on me.
It’s like living with crazy Lauren all over again.
[ No Comments ] Posted on 07.24.10 under Uncategorized
One thing I’ve noticed is that if a woman says something directly to someone else, like “Oh hey, could you turn the music down, I’m trying to sleep” or “I need to use the drying rack” this is interpreted as being bitchy. Part of the reason I try to avoid directly saying something is this. But then a woman just gets called passive aggressive. I really don’t think women can win.
If you did not know me in 2006, then you did know about my roommate. Crazy Lauren. She was given this moniker because she might in fact have been crazy. One of my roommates in particular reminds me of CrayLo, who even if the trashcan was overflowing in the bathroom, would ignore it. She would ignore it to the point of disposing of her pads around the trash can. I found this out because I was tired of taking out the trash and wanted to see if she would do it without me having to say something. Dominic is the same situation.
Natalia and Imma are gone and it is just me and Dominic. This guy has been steadily getting on my nerves since his girlfriend started coming around after finals. They will cook dinner, wash their dishes (poorly), and stack them on top of the dishes in the dish rack to dry. We have a system. You take your the set of dishes in the dish rack out before you wash your dishes, then you wash yours. The next person to wash dishes does the same. Flawless, really. Great system. Except when people don’t hold up to it.
Two days ago the trash-can was about 3/4 of the way full as is the recycling, and I think “Well I will just see if Dominic does anything about it because as far as I know, he never takes the trash out.” I believe it is always Imma or Natalia or I. I’m basically only eating cornflakes at this point and I have no food waste/trash that is going into this container. So I wait and 2 days later nothing has been done about it. I take the bag out of the can and am swarmed by fruit flies. I try not to inhale and I take the bag to the bins, come back, wash the bin out, and leave it to dry. I’ll see if he puts a liner bag in it or just leaves it drying, forever. Like he does his clothes. Natalia said she will purposely leave a rack occupied because otherwise he just leaves his clothes on the rack and will move on to the next available rack, not taking down his already dry clothes. Having now witnessed this, I believe it.
I have exactly 16 more days with this place as my place of residence, then I’m outta here.
C. has taken care of the stuff the family needs to do. The good news is that if for any reason the work permit falls through and I don’t get my Visa on August 24 when she and I are going in is that my Fiktionsbescheinigung will be extended.
In other news: If I can travel on a Fiktionsbescheinigung/in between getting my Visa in my hands then I am going to Italy to visit a friend. Verona to be precise. Holla! Round trip airfare is only 150ish Euro. I know I posted about saving my money and paying down my CC but I am willing to stray from this plan for Italy. I am not likely to go there any other time since I don’t really have a good reason. Visiting a friend is a good reason.
1 year.
[ No Comments ] Posted on 07.22.10 under Uncategorized
It has been 1 year since my Nana died. Yesterday I decided I would take the day off and then I got the harebrained idea that I would see where her family came from in Germany. My mom never got back to me with that information, so I am still here.
That’s fine.
I cooked eggs-in-a-basket for breakfast since she made it for me once. It is odd that I remember it since I don’t remember eating it very often growing up. I looked at my overripe bananas and wished for her banana bread recipe, but I don’t have it. It is going to be a quiet day with a lot of reflection on her life, or what little I know of it.
Tonight Nathalie and I are cooking. I asked her if she wanted to cook something Asian, and she said yeah. I asked her what and she said it is all the same to her. I decided that Terriyaki chicken would be way good. I am going to go buy the chicken soon, I think. I should also do laundry and finish homework and study for this exam tomorrow. My professor said I could take it tomorrow, after all. That is good news for me.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I am going to do with my job earnings. I don’t need to buy food or pay rent or utilities. I calculated that to pay off my credit card in 12 months, my monthly payments will need to be $362.50. At the current exchange rate of 1 euro being approx. $1.28, that is 282.75 euros a month, or just over half of what I will be making a month. It would be REALLY nice to not have that debt hanging over my head. I have to figure out a way to make my euros dollars and get them into my American bank account though. Bank of America said they would charge me $16 a transfer (wtf!). Thus I am going to try to transfer large amounts at a time.
I am terrible at this logistical crap.
After the credit card comes my student loan payment. I tried to e-mail them to correct their incorrect in-school date until 2012 date, but they did not respond with anything other than a generic e-mail about getting a loan application started. I really don’t know what is going on with that.